This is my book report on Hippies.  Hippies were a race of people that were bad. They liked stuff like flowers and love. They had armpit hair. They did not eat animals. They ate grass. They were stupid because they did not eat animals. They made people with money feel bad. They did not use deodorant or soap because they liked to stink up people’s businesses. This is a hippie:

Hippie

Hippies made devil signs with their fingers. They ran around naked. They made babies and did not spank them. Spanking babies builds character. They did not work. This is  another Hippie:

Another Hippie

Hippies are old now. They have not washed their armpits in 40 years. They love stuff for no reason. Here are old Hippies:

Old Hippies

The end.

Death's Tongue

I seem to get onto trends with the medium that I use from time to time. For whatever reason I’m on a mechanical pencil tear lately. Stupid scanner had some issue or other with the top of this image.

WTF! OH MY GOD! What is happening here, what is up?!? The unthinkable has finally happened, 2012 is NOW! The end of the world as we know it is upon us like a bad case of dingleberries! TAYLOR SWIFT CHANGED HER HAIR!!!

TAYLOR SWIFT, OH EM GEE!

There is a particular phenomenon that we as a species suffer from that needs to be addressed: Psychic Gravity. Have you ever found yourself immediately zeroing in on something visually, an instantaneous response that was even faster than a reflex action, almost like you knew that it was going to come around the corner before it did and then BAM! there it is?

Psychic Gravity example 1

What causes this dastardly condition that we all suffer from? There has to be some explanation as to why the whole of humanity is held captive by an immediate psychological response to visual stimuli. Not only am I interested in the reason behind Psychic Gravity, I am also intensely interested in a cure for it because, quite frankly, it is a disease.

Psychic Gravity example 2

I would very much like to enjoy the subtle shades of acting that Scarlet here brings to her films, how she goes about her craft, the different layers that she applies to her characters to bring out the flavor of each one in such a varied manner… and yet I don’t believe I’ve ever actually been able to break the indomitable hold that Psychic Gravity has on my eyeballs long enough to hear a single word that she has ever spoken on screen. I had a hard enough time just typing that extraordinarily long run on sentence with the image staring back at me.

Psychic Gravity has had it’s clutches on the ocular cavities of mankind for as long as mankind has been called mankind and, for that matter, as long as mankind has had ocular cavities… whichever came first. Early instances of art can prove this point beyond a shadow of a doubt:

Psychic Gravity in early art

I remember well the first time I came across a fertility goddess on a school field trip to the museum. Not only did my young cohorts and I zero in on the piece instantaneously, but much snickering and many bawdy comments found their way to the ears of the teacher that day. Interestingly enough, a few “Shushes” were all that was said in response to the burgeoning sailor talk that the statue was eliciting. It was almost as if the teacher herself was being held captive by the sway of Psychic Gravity. Of course, a well mannered and cultured lady such as her couldn’t have been eyeballing those curves as well, could she?  What a potent blight on humanity this thing must be, indeed!

Not all instances of psychic gravity are literally sexual in nature. Some are metaphorical:

Literal Sweater Puppies

Metaphorical Sweater Puppies

The image on the top has a direct correlation to the one on the bottom. The second a dog shows up in a sweater the eyes are immediately drawn to it. The fact that the “Awww, isn’t she just precious” response follows is irrelevant (also irrelevant is the fact that the literal sweater puppies are actually metaphorical and the metaphorical sweater puppies are literally puppies in sweaters). The underlying subtext of the metaphorical sweater puppies has its root in Psychic Gravity and vice versa.

Being unable to talk to some of our closest animal relatives is a true shame because I know the first question I would ask a male Silverback Gorilla at the zoo would be: “Hey, buddy, you like all of these douchebags checking out your lady like that?”

Psychic Gravity in Animals

My second question would be: “You ever check out the baboons?”

Possible Psychic Gravity in Gorrilas

Chimpanzees are our closest relatives and they have a notorious reputation for putting on a shameless masturbatory display for onlookers at the zoo. Perhaps they too are subject to the same hold that Psychic Gravity has on humanity. They, however, seem to lack the finer social graces when it comes to dealing with seeing a nice set walk by (side note: someone should do genetic testing on construction workers to see if they are more closely related to chimps than to man).

Although I believe Psychic Gravity to be mostly sexual in nature, there are those cases where spectacle seems to trump sex. There is probably some perverse, deviant sexual aspect long dormant in our minds that we refuse to acknowledge at play here, but one cannot discount the fact that we will always give certain things at least a cursory glance when confronted with them:

Psychic Gravity as Spectacle

Psychic Gravity. The purveyor of whiplash, the genesis of so many spousal arguments, the unspoken bane of man(and perhaps chimp)kind! Allow us some brief reprieve from your icy grip, I beg of thee!

I’m not your typical science geek that get’s the wood when confronted with a real spicy physics problem or one of those algorithm thingies. Let’s face it, I never had the juice upstairs to understand most of what I was being confronted with in any of my high school science classes. I am prone to fits of fancy when it comes to pretty much any subject matter, however, and the sensational way that the nerds are evolving in their ways of getting the average dope such as myself to at least give their stuff the old peripheral glance is impressive. With all of that said, I’m going to hand the ball off on Tuesdays to a random neat article or site that I dredge up that has some kind of sciency (made up word alert!) aspect to it. Here we go:

THE FUTURE OF EVOLUTION

Weird Purple Guy

I love how cranky the experts on the subject sound while debunking the myths that science fiction has inspired regarding the evolution of our bodies. Many times I’ve found myself in over my head in conversation with a science nerd and latched onto some key phrase that they randomly uttered and related it to something I saw on an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation from twenty years ago only to be verbally obliterated by the offended science nerd in a tirade of vitriolic rage.

The article itself was kind of cool in the way that it broached subject matters that I myself have often times touched upon in my head as being sincere hopes for the future such as longer life spans and developing gigantism of the brain. The fact that the people in the know on the subjects react in a violently negative manner when confronted with the sexy subjects of losing that pinkie finger is tempered by the somewhat dubious statement:

“I kind of view us all as eventually having chocolate-covered hair…”

What the hey…? Perhaps that was just poorly phrased. What the article should have asked the science guy was: “What is the Sexiest thing do YOU think will happen with human evolution?” That would really throw the old Doubting Thomas science guy for a loop. I’m sure he gets tired of debunking dumb people’s sensationalist ideas on subjects that they have spent absolutely no time actually studying.

Lets see what you got, smart people. Get all kooky with it and throw some sexy gas on the science fire. Anyone with some real knowledge on the subject is invited to leave a comment about where we are going as a species, but the one caveat is: it has to be sensational, sexy, or nasty!

There seems to be a disconnect happening in this current incarnation of civilization between what we are being told is available to us as citizens of this fine nation and what is actually available. We are inundated with advertising telling us that all of the products and services of our age will make our lives so much better, but in the end all we are left with is an empty promise and a dent in our pocket books.

Everyone has had that feeling of being let down by false advertising before, probably continually. Here is a hamburger from an ad campaign:

Gigantic Lie Hamburger

and this is what you actually get:

Squeaky Toy Hamburger

It should be noted that this hamburger is not even food.

The real story here is not that we are being lied to on a daily basis by corporations with promises of gigantic hamburgers, but that they subverting our actual desires by insisting that we should even want these gigantic hamburgers. The last time I checked, my stomach was not actually capable of holding that amount of food and yet through some form of high tech hypno-chicanery I find myself enthralled by the prospect of not only tackling the Gigantic Lie Hamburger, but finishing off every last bit of burger, pickle, lettuce, bacon, various forms of cheese, tomato, mayo, and ham (I think there is some fried chicken in there too) with room for dessert:

Opulent Victorian Dessert Tray

I don’t know if this has crossed the mind of anyone else lately, but I am becoming more and more distressed at the dearth of Opulent Victorian Age dessert options available to me at not just most of the fast food restaurants in America, but ALL of them. Not only do the corporations lie to us about what we are going to get, but they are trying to feed us rubber (which, by the way, is not a digestible form of matter in the average human stomach). And to top it all off they aren’t even providing Victorian age dessert platters.

There is another thing that we, as Americans, have lived with for a long time now and needs to be addressed: The promise of new and exciting technology. Where is my flying car? Where is my robotic vagina? Where are all of the things that we were told we would have in films and books written so long ago detailing all of the various things that would be common in the world like flying cars and robotic vaginas? Blade Runner lied to all of us (the movie takes place in 2019, but come on… am I really going to be able to rent a lifelike robot  Sean Young ho by then?)

Sean Young Robotic Ho

The answer to that question is… I hope so! I’ll have to check the paperwork, but that might actually be a loophole that I can exploit in my wedding vows. It wouldn’t be cheating because it is technically a form of masturbation, right? Apparently I am also in the right place for this impending Robosexual revolution.

READ ARTICLE ABOUT ROBOT BOOTY GETTING

I knew there was an upside to moving to Massachusetts. But I digress, the point is this: We don’t have access to Giant Hamburgers and Robotic Sean Young Hos at this very moment, and that is distressing to say the least. I can’t just walk out of my house and eat a sandwich that would burst my innards while frantically copulating with a facsimile of a used up old Hollywood skank and that, my friends, is truly a shame. They promise us things that we don’t even want, use their fancy psychological tricks to get us to want them, and then don’t even follow through with the original promise.